We Need to Talk...

An old friend of mine, Breeyan Patterson*, recently posted the following:

"You can have great memories with someone. So why is it that the only thing you truly remember after a while is how much that person hurt you. How much that person turned you away from everything you thought you knew. How that person showed you your lack of strength, and when you got out of bed the next morning, how strong truly you are. How that person showed you that tears do leave stains, that words leave permanent marks, that 'I love you' means nothing when its said after they break your heart, that hate isn't the right word, that time isn't enough, that your love wasn't enough, that desolate is the new desperate. So much revealed in the moment where love ends and alone begins. I want to know why the end of a relationship always defines it. "

I read this and immediately identified with it. In my few experiences with relationships, the end always seems to overshadow the rest. When asked to think about the four or five relationships (serious and semi-serious) that I've had, it seems that I think about how they ended. I mean, when you really think about a past relationship, I'm sure you can remember the good times, but the first thoughts that come to mind are always the painful memories of heartbreak and separation. Why is that? Is it because the trauma of rejection leaves a nearly visible scar? Is it because we choose to remember the pain to avoid experiencing it again? Is it because remembering the good times might just cause us to hurt more? Maybe it's one of these reasons... maybe all of them... maybe something else. Whatever the case, and as sad as it is, it seems that "the end of a relationship always defines it."

I wish that things were different, but after a relationship ends, it's never the same. That crushing blow delivered at the end leaves hearts as shattered as mirrors. Also like mirrors, when hearts are put back together, they're nothing like they were before. The cracks and shatter marks will always remain. Sometimes, the shattered mirror works and you can see a clear reflection... but when the blow is so hard that it shatters the mirror to dust, there is no reflection to be seen. In the end, we can always hope to pick up the pieces and put them back together.

After the end, there is sometimes still hope for a friendship to bloom out of the ashes... but sometimes the ashes are only a sign of desolation where no life will again grow. If we burn bridges, adding fuel to the already destructive fire, we ensure the desolation; but with forgiveness and humanity, there is chance for new life. This new life will undoubtedly be different than what has burned down, but it is life nonetheless and it has the chance of bearing fruit. We can choose to scorch the earth to ensure death or to allow our actions to foster life once again.

Over time, the pains may fade, and the happy memories might again move to the forefront of our minds, but after the end, it's difficult to define a relationship by anything else but how it ended. Holding on to hope and seeking healing can lead us to peace, as long as our hope and healing are in the right place. If and when we place our hope and find our healing in the right Place, the pain of the end doesn't hurt so bad anymore. We can forgive and be forgiven; and even if bridges have been burned, we can be at peace. One day those bridges may be rebuilt, and our Source of hope, healing, and peace may help to build them stronger, albeit different, than before.

I write in riddles, rhetoric, and metaphor, but to put it plainly, Hope is what will carry us in dark and painful times. As the apostle Paul wrote, "Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us" (Romans 5:5 NKJV). We hope in Christ and He brings our healing and our peace; in fact, in the book of Philippians, we are promised that if we trust in Him and pray, "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (4:7). In darkness, there is always hope, and the Light is never far away. Despite the pain and difficulty we face after relationships or anything else, we can remember the words of the wise Reese Roper: "The bravest thing I have is hope." Hope does not disappoint...





*If you have the chance, I'd recommend Breeyan's writings. She has quite a way with words.