The Struggles of Life

Oi... so it's a bit of a bummer that the first real post I put up has to be a bit negative, but as I'm starting life in the real world, I'm having a really hard time. There is so much turmoil and stress going on in life right now that I feel an extreme burden. I figured I'll write it all down to 1) help me process through it, 2) inform anyone willing to read the blog, and 3) to blow off a little steam.

I moved back to Redlands, CA from San Luis Obispo, CA on June 28, 2008. That was the beginning of my difficulty. I had to miss one of my best friends weddings so that I could move home. Tyler and Noelle Curtis' wedding would have been a great opportunity to start my new life of with a final round of close fellowship with really good friends. Instead, I had to move the contents of my life 250-something miles to a place where I have less friends than I can count on one hand. Coming to Redlands is both a blessing and a curse. On the blessing side, I have a lot of family here. I can now be there for them and they're here for me. However, the curse is that there is not a good spiritual support system or fellowship that I know of. There are also very few people of my age that I know. It makes it really hard to be back here, and quite lonely, too.

I've also been dealing with a break up that is particularly hard on me. I can't say much more, but needless to say, the effects are taking their toll on me.

Okay, so aside from the lonely place and difficult break up, there are also family issues. In the house, my parents fight quite a bit. Their yelling matches make the house a very stressful place to live. On several occasions, I've tried to intervene and mediate, but it usually gets the guns turned on me. So, I'm trying to figure out my place in that. I know I am to be praying for my family, but I also am trying to figure out if I have a role in dealing with them.
My brother and my sister are both in semi-serious relationships as well, so seeing them interact with their significant others increases the intensity of my loneliness.
My uncle also has cirrhosis of the liver caused by his alcoholism. There's quite a paradox, though... if he stops drinking, his body is too weak to handle the withdrawals, and he could die if he tries to quit. However, if he doesn't quit, he's not expected to live for more than a few months from now. As unfortunate as it is, some of the family has already had to begin talking about burial plans. The whole situation has been really hard on my grandmother, who he lives with, and I hate to see her so worried. To add to her worry, she had to get surgery recently for an obstruction in her throat.
On top of that, my aunt has cancer AND a teenage daughter with a fairly severe disability. We're quite worried that if the cancer takes a turn for the worse, there won't be anyone to care for my cousin. My parents have mentioned adopting her should it come to that, but looking at their current financial state, I don't know if they are capable of that.

I also just started my career. I am working to become an Executive at Target Corp. I am at a Distribution Center in Fontana, CA working as an Inbound TL. So far, the training has been somewhat intense. I'm a bit overwhelmed by all the information I've received, but I'm sure in time I'll get it. This week, the days have basically been 8 to 5, excluding Wednesday. Wednesday I did my "Store Experience" at 3 AM at the Ontario, CA store. I pulled boxes from the trailer in the wee hours of the morning and stocked shelves before Target opened. It was quite intense and gave me an appreciation for the people who do it everyday. In the coming weeks, I'll be working Saturday, Sunday, and Monday from 6 am to 6 pm. I'll finish my training in September.

So as you can see, life is a bit difficult right now. The good thing is this, though: The Lord is still with me. I've been having to trust Him a lot as I've made the transition from the carefree, friend-full San Luis Obispo lifestyle to the stressful, lonely wilderness of Redlands. As of now, though, I really do feel as though I'm in a wilderness. I know the Lord sustains me, but I still hunger and thirst for Him. I know that He is present, but I cannot see Him. I know that he upholds me, but I cannot feel His touch. I know He is here, but I do not know where. It's in this time that I trust His promises and I pray for faith to believe that He is doing all these things and more. I know, too, that when we are in a wilderness, it is often a time of learning. The Lord desires to teach me something, so I wait on Him and trust that His lesson will come. Though the "feeling" aspect is not so much present in my walk right now, He has been growing the "faith" aspect. He is teaching me to trust His truths rather than how I feel. He is making me depend on Him and His life-giving Spirit. He's worked through His word and my prayers, but most recently, He has worked through old friends. In these difficult times, I've been contacted by several brothers and sisters in the Lord. Each of them has helped me talk through my pain and struggles and have promised to pray for me. In them, I really can see the compassion and love of Christ. They exemplify the unity so often mentioned in the Scripture. So for all of you who have helped me in this time (Rob, Ricky, and Rachael especially), thank you.
So, though times are difficult and stressful, God will carry me through, and someday soon, I will be able to again taste and see that the Lord is good. He is faithful.

If you are reading this, please pray for me. I'd also love to talk to any of you if you want to call or e-mail me. Thanks!