Musical Powers

Recently, I've been listening to the lyrics in songs a lot more closely than usual. For certain reasons, I've been able to identify with a lot of music out there. I've realized that much of the serious music out there has a lot to do with one of two things: love or heartbreak.

Why is it that relationships, whether successful or failed, make the best content for the art produced by modern-day poets we call musicians? Is it because we've all been there before? Each one of us has been lifted high by the emotional thrill ride of love that pushed us to listen to the happy acoustic singer-songwriters or the poppy pop-tarts and shameful boy bands. Most of us have had our Icarian wings melted off at the height of our flight and felt the pain of the fall that left us listening to the baleful words of ballad-writing rockers and embittered emo-punks. Many of us have known that girl at the front of the room who never seemed to notice this silly schoolboy crush wasn't just pretend. Whatever the case, at some point in our life, we relate our feelings to music... and more often than not, the music has some reciprocal effect on our feelings.

Music gives flight to the feelings of the performer, and the audience suddenly realizes that they are not alone in their love, loneliness, bitterness, and joy. These songs give us a chance to join someone else in celebrating the good times and mourning the hard times. Some songs offer a ray of hope in the words of the musical poetry: that if someone else has gone through this, maybe I can make it too. Some songs offer a chance to blow off steam and release bitterness through art and expression rather than unhealthier means. Some songs give words to an almost wordless joy we find in the other who is more significant than we ever imagined.

Throughout the spectrum of relationships and the spectrum of music, I see an intricate relationship. There's a song out there to go with every feeling, and a feeling for every song. Sometimes a song is associated with a person, and if things ever go awry, even the most blissful song can evoke a dark sadness; a song that used to be "our song" can turn into "her song" and reopen painful memories. Other times a sad song will come along and help us through a cheerless time; like when a song gives closure for a final goodbye to a lost loved one. Throughout my own life, I unconsciously catalog the songs I hear into relational categories. I have songs for ex-girlfriends, best friends, family, the deceased, groups of friends, potential girlfriends... pretty much anyone I share a relationship with. I don't know if everyone does this, but there are songs out there for every category of relationships, and in observing other people, I think we all have certain songs for certain others.

All this has led me to see the power in music. Music can give hope, instill bitterness, grant closure, open past wounds, and so much more. The words of a song can have an immense effect on the way you feel if you open yourself up to the music. In a positive light, this means that music can begin a healing process in us or increase what positive feelings we have inside; on the darker side, it can also lead us down a path of bitterness and anger, and even violence. I guess like most things in life, it comes down to our own choice. Where will we let music lead us? Will we choose to brood and listen only to the music that makes our darkness grow? Or will we choose to listen to what leads us to the Source of joy?

"My love is music; I will marry melody...
I need music, I need music
I need music to set me free
To let me bleed..." -- Cold, Bleed

We Need to Talk...

An old friend of mine, Breeyan Patterson*, recently posted the following:

"You can have great memories with someone. So why is it that the only thing you truly remember after a while is how much that person hurt you. How much that person turned you away from everything you thought you knew. How that person showed you your lack of strength, and when you got out of bed the next morning, how strong truly you are. How that person showed you that tears do leave stains, that words leave permanent marks, that 'I love you' means nothing when its said after they break your heart, that hate isn't the right word, that time isn't enough, that your love wasn't enough, that desolate is the new desperate. So much revealed in the moment where love ends and alone begins. I want to know why the end of a relationship always defines it. "

I read this and immediately identified with it. In my few experiences with relationships, the end always seems to overshadow the rest. When asked to think about the four or five relationships (serious and semi-serious) that I've had, it seems that I think about how they ended. I mean, when you really think about a past relationship, I'm sure you can remember the good times, but the first thoughts that come to mind are always the painful memories of heartbreak and separation. Why is that? Is it because the trauma of rejection leaves a nearly visible scar? Is it because we choose to remember the pain to avoid experiencing it again? Is it because remembering the good times might just cause us to hurt more? Maybe it's one of these reasons... maybe all of them... maybe something else. Whatever the case, and as sad as it is, it seems that "the end of a relationship always defines it."

I wish that things were different, but after a relationship ends, it's never the same. That crushing blow delivered at the end leaves hearts as shattered as mirrors. Also like mirrors, when hearts are put back together, they're nothing like they were before. The cracks and shatter marks will always remain. Sometimes, the shattered mirror works and you can see a clear reflection... but when the blow is so hard that it shatters the mirror to dust, there is no reflection to be seen. In the end, we can always hope to pick up the pieces and put them back together.

After the end, there is sometimes still hope for a friendship to bloom out of the ashes... but sometimes the ashes are only a sign of desolation where no life will again grow. If we burn bridges, adding fuel to the already destructive fire, we ensure the desolation; but with forgiveness and humanity, there is chance for new life. This new life will undoubtedly be different than what has burned down, but it is life nonetheless and it has the chance of bearing fruit. We can choose to scorch the earth to ensure death or to allow our actions to foster life once again.

Over time, the pains may fade, and the happy memories might again move to the forefront of our minds, but after the end, it's difficult to define a relationship by anything else but how it ended. Holding on to hope and seeking healing can lead us to peace, as long as our hope and healing are in the right place. If and when we place our hope and find our healing in the right Place, the pain of the end doesn't hurt so bad anymore. We can forgive and be forgiven; and even if bridges have been burned, we can be at peace. One day those bridges may be rebuilt, and our Source of hope, healing, and peace may help to build them stronger, albeit different, than before.

I write in riddles, rhetoric, and metaphor, but to put it plainly, Hope is what will carry us in dark and painful times. As the apostle Paul wrote, "Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us" (Romans 5:5 NKJV). We hope in Christ and He brings our healing and our peace; in fact, in the book of Philippians, we are promised that if we trust in Him and pray, "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (4:7). In darkness, there is always hope, and the Light is never far away. Despite the pain and difficulty we face after relationships or anything else, we can remember the words of the wise Reese Roper: "The bravest thing I have is hope." Hope does not disappoint...





*If you have the chance, I'd recommend Breeyan's writings. She has quite a way with words.

The Struggles of Life

Oi... so it's a bit of a bummer that the first real post I put up has to be a bit negative, but as I'm starting life in the real world, I'm having a really hard time. There is so much turmoil and stress going on in life right now that I feel an extreme burden. I figured I'll write it all down to 1) help me process through it, 2) inform anyone willing to read the blog, and 3) to blow off a little steam.

I moved back to Redlands, CA from San Luis Obispo, CA on June 28, 2008. That was the beginning of my difficulty. I had to miss one of my best friends weddings so that I could move home. Tyler and Noelle Curtis' wedding would have been a great opportunity to start my new life of with a final round of close fellowship with really good friends. Instead, I had to move the contents of my life 250-something miles to a place where I have less friends than I can count on one hand. Coming to Redlands is both a blessing and a curse. On the blessing side, I have a lot of family here. I can now be there for them and they're here for me. However, the curse is that there is not a good spiritual support system or fellowship that I know of. There are also very few people of my age that I know. It makes it really hard to be back here, and quite lonely, too.

I've also been dealing with a break up that is particularly hard on me. I can't say much more, but needless to say, the effects are taking their toll on me.

Okay, so aside from the lonely place and difficult break up, there are also family issues. In the house, my parents fight quite a bit. Their yelling matches make the house a very stressful place to live. On several occasions, I've tried to intervene and mediate, but it usually gets the guns turned on me. So, I'm trying to figure out my place in that. I know I am to be praying for my family, but I also am trying to figure out if I have a role in dealing with them.
My brother and my sister are both in semi-serious relationships as well, so seeing them interact with their significant others increases the intensity of my loneliness.
My uncle also has cirrhosis of the liver caused by his alcoholism. There's quite a paradox, though... if he stops drinking, his body is too weak to handle the withdrawals, and he could die if he tries to quit. However, if he doesn't quit, he's not expected to live for more than a few months from now. As unfortunate as it is, some of the family has already had to begin talking about burial plans. The whole situation has been really hard on my grandmother, who he lives with, and I hate to see her so worried. To add to her worry, she had to get surgery recently for an obstruction in her throat.
On top of that, my aunt has cancer AND a teenage daughter with a fairly severe disability. We're quite worried that if the cancer takes a turn for the worse, there won't be anyone to care for my cousin. My parents have mentioned adopting her should it come to that, but looking at their current financial state, I don't know if they are capable of that.

I also just started my career. I am working to become an Executive at Target Corp. I am at a Distribution Center in Fontana, CA working as an Inbound TL. So far, the training has been somewhat intense. I'm a bit overwhelmed by all the information I've received, but I'm sure in time I'll get it. This week, the days have basically been 8 to 5, excluding Wednesday. Wednesday I did my "Store Experience" at 3 AM at the Ontario, CA store. I pulled boxes from the trailer in the wee hours of the morning and stocked shelves before Target opened. It was quite intense and gave me an appreciation for the people who do it everyday. In the coming weeks, I'll be working Saturday, Sunday, and Monday from 6 am to 6 pm. I'll finish my training in September.

So as you can see, life is a bit difficult right now. The good thing is this, though: The Lord is still with me. I've been having to trust Him a lot as I've made the transition from the carefree, friend-full San Luis Obispo lifestyle to the stressful, lonely wilderness of Redlands. As of now, though, I really do feel as though I'm in a wilderness. I know the Lord sustains me, but I still hunger and thirst for Him. I know that He is present, but I cannot see Him. I know that he upholds me, but I cannot feel His touch. I know He is here, but I do not know where. It's in this time that I trust His promises and I pray for faith to believe that He is doing all these things and more. I know, too, that when we are in a wilderness, it is often a time of learning. The Lord desires to teach me something, so I wait on Him and trust that His lesson will come. Though the "feeling" aspect is not so much present in my walk right now, He has been growing the "faith" aspect. He is teaching me to trust His truths rather than how I feel. He is making me depend on Him and His life-giving Spirit. He's worked through His word and my prayers, but most recently, He has worked through old friends. In these difficult times, I've been contacted by several brothers and sisters in the Lord. Each of them has helped me talk through my pain and struggles and have promised to pray for me. In them, I really can see the compassion and love of Christ. They exemplify the unity so often mentioned in the Scripture. So for all of you who have helped me in this time (Rob, Ricky, and Rachael especially), thank you.
So, though times are difficult and stressful, God will carry me through, and someday soon, I will be able to again taste and see that the Lord is good. He is faithful.

If you are reading this, please pray for me. I'd also love to talk to any of you if you want to call or e-mail me. Thanks!