Musical Powers

Recently, I've been listening to the lyrics in songs a lot more closely than usual. For certain reasons, I've been able to identify with a lot of music out there. I've realized that much of the serious music out there has a lot to do with one of two things: love or heartbreak.

Why is it that relationships, whether successful or failed, make the best content for the art produced by modern-day poets we call musicians? Is it because we've all been there before? Each one of us has been lifted high by the emotional thrill ride of love that pushed us to listen to the happy acoustic singer-songwriters or the poppy pop-tarts and shameful boy bands. Most of us have had our Icarian wings melted off at the height of our flight and felt the pain of the fall that left us listening to the baleful words of ballad-writing rockers and embittered emo-punks. Many of us have known that girl at the front of the room who never seemed to notice this silly schoolboy crush wasn't just pretend. Whatever the case, at some point in our life, we relate our feelings to music... and more often than not, the music has some reciprocal effect on our feelings.

Music gives flight to the feelings of the performer, and the audience suddenly realizes that they are not alone in their love, loneliness, bitterness, and joy. These songs give us a chance to join someone else in celebrating the good times and mourning the hard times. Some songs offer a ray of hope in the words of the musical poetry: that if someone else has gone through this, maybe I can make it too. Some songs offer a chance to blow off steam and release bitterness through art and expression rather than unhealthier means. Some songs give words to an almost wordless joy we find in the other who is more significant than we ever imagined.

Throughout the spectrum of relationships and the spectrum of music, I see an intricate relationship. There's a song out there to go with every feeling, and a feeling for every song. Sometimes a song is associated with a person, and if things ever go awry, even the most blissful song can evoke a dark sadness; a song that used to be "our song" can turn into "her song" and reopen painful memories. Other times a sad song will come along and help us through a cheerless time; like when a song gives closure for a final goodbye to a lost loved one. Throughout my own life, I unconsciously catalog the songs I hear into relational categories. I have songs for ex-girlfriends, best friends, family, the deceased, groups of friends, potential girlfriends... pretty much anyone I share a relationship with. I don't know if everyone does this, but there are songs out there for every category of relationships, and in observing other people, I think we all have certain songs for certain others.

All this has led me to see the power in music. Music can give hope, instill bitterness, grant closure, open past wounds, and so much more. The words of a song can have an immense effect on the way you feel if you open yourself up to the music. In a positive light, this means that music can begin a healing process in us or increase what positive feelings we have inside; on the darker side, it can also lead us down a path of bitterness and anger, and even violence. I guess like most things in life, it comes down to our own choice. Where will we let music lead us? Will we choose to brood and listen only to the music that makes our darkness grow? Or will we choose to listen to what leads us to the Source of joy?

"My love is music; I will marry melody...
I need music, I need music
I need music to set me free
To let me bleed..." -- Cold, Bleed

The Verge Of Heroism or the Brink of Villainy

Batman vs. the Joker; Spiderman vs. Doctor Octopus; Wolverine vs. Magneto; Superman vs. Lex Luthor... the list goes on. The Greatest Heroes and the Ultimate Villains in the superpowered Universe continue to amaze and entertain us. When we look beneath their powers, behind their masks, and in their secret lairs we begin to realize, there is potential for any one of us to become a hero... or a villain.

See, the secret formula for the superhuman lies in tragedy or catastrophe and how a person reacts to it. Beyond the spider powers, high tech gadgets, mutations, and what-have-you, the real power of a hero or villain lies in the scars they bear. Often, the most "powerful" heroes are the supermen and superwomen that fight a dark struggle inside and come out victorious, while the most notorious villains are the ones driven beyond their boundaries and controlled by the darkness. Let's take a look at some examples...

Heroes:
Many people would argue that Spiderman became a superhero when he was bitten by a radioactive spider... I don't think so. I think he gained powers at the time of the fateful bite, but it was not until he saw his Uncle Ben dying from the bullet of a mugger that he became a hero. Peter Parker made a choice at that crisis point. He could have let the guilt drive him mad and sent him into seclusion, or worse, on a superhuman crime binge killing the man responsible for Uncle Ben's death and following a dark path. Instead, Mr. Parker embraced the last piece of advice his late uncle left him: "With great power comes great responsibility" (which is strangely reminiscent of the Biblical saying "To whom much has been given, much will be expected"). He chose the path of the hero: to stand up for others in distress, hoping that he could spare others from the injustice he and his family suffered at the hands of a criminal. At points in his supercareer, the pressure nearly destroyed (and did destroy) many of his friendships and relationships, as well as turned his life into a living Hell. However, soon after tossing his Spider suit into a trashcan, he realized that being a hero and living for others was the only way to protect the ones he loves, inspire the community, and fulfill a purpose in life. Despite the hardships he faced as an individual, he follows the hero's path and stands up for the ones who cannot defend themselves.

Batman follows the same essential story line as the webhead. After the traumatic experience of seeing his own family gunned down, he vowed to live the life of a tech-enhanced supervigilante, cleaning the streets of Gotham of criminal trash. However, to uphold justice and to prevent himself from becoming the same criminal prey he hunts, Bruce Wayne has one rule: never kill. After such a traumatic experience (as a child, no less!), Bruce could have become a twisted psychopath, but the upstanding morals instilled by his father, in addition to the excellent example his father set, led Bruce Wayne to become the Batman. Now adhering to a strict moral code, he fights corruption and crime while striking fear into the hearts of Gotham's ne'er-do-wells.

Wolverine, the most famous of X-men, doesn't even recognize his own trauma for a good portion of his life. Tortured by a past he can't remember, Logan often walked a very thin line between heroism and villainy. However, despite his rough exterior, his care for others led him to become a hero, if not a somewhat rebellious one.

The examples are endless! Tony Stark's time as a POW in Vietnam (or the Middle East in the movie) led him to become the high-tech superhero Iron Man who initially fights against the very war machine that he created. Superman's loneliness as the orphan son of an entire planet still allowed him to become Earth's Man of Steel with a good upbringing and solid moral compass of a caring Midwestern couple. Even the gamma-irradiated Incredible Hulk wants to do the right thing with his rage and fights the forces of evil on a regular basis.... I'm sure nearly every hero has his(or her) tragedy... but so do most villains.

Villains:
In some versions of the Joker's dubious origin stories, he was an engineer who had a really bad day. Seeking to be a stand-up comic and failing miserably, he is in a struggling marriage with a a woman he loves dearly. Seeking to support his wife, he gets involved with the Mafia in a heist to rob the company he works for. He has a change of heart last minute, but as insurance, the Mafia took his wife hostage. In an accident, he falls into a chemical vat and the heist is blown. His wife is murdered, and he emerges from the chemical bath pale white, with red lips, and green hair... oh, and he's completely insane. Where his arch-nemesis Batman used tragedy to find the courage to protect a city, the Joker becomes a psychopathic maniac with no qualms about killing innocents, or even his own henchmen... even if he can be hilarious at times.

Doctor Otto Octavius also let tragedy push him down the dark path of villainy. In an experiment gone wrong, he lost his wife and had metal arms fused to his back. With a broken will, he cannot fight the control of evil and is soon one of Spiderman's greatest foes. His tragedy weakened his resolve, instead of strengthening him into a hero like Spiderman.

Again, the examples are numerous, Magneto's time in a WWII internment camp left him with a bitter hatred of humankind; now instead of seeking peace, he wants to do what was almost done to his own people: exterminate any human without mutant powers. Lex Luthor, a social outcast at one time, now uses his money and power to manipulate and control the type of people that once made him feel alone. Two-Face let a disfiguring accident split his personality and left him vengeful and insane.

The choice:
Each of the villains have this in common: in tragedy, they focused on themselves. Their motives for revenge or their reasons for insanity are centered on what they lost or what happened to them. This focus on self leads them on their dangerous paths, and the result is often quite ironic. Their thirst for revenge, power, or whatever they seek has turned them into the same thing that led them down the villain's path in the first place. What was done to them, they now do to others.

The heroes, though, are quite different. Their crises have led to protect and serve others. The focus is not on themselves, but rather on the defenseless and the innocent. "I don't want others to suffer the injustice that I've experienced" is the thought you can almost hear every hero think. Rather than pity themselves, they take action to rectify the wrong that exists in the world (though some go about it the wrong way... but people still cheer those antiheroes; i.e. The Punisher).

Looking at these extreme situations that grow some into heroes and deteriorate others into villains, us "normies" (normal people) can still relate. Every day we are faced with trials and tribulations of different kinds. Some are minor, like getting cut off on the freeway or dealing with a bad customer or employee; Some are sizable, like getting dumped or losing your job; Some are epic, like losing a loved one or living through a life-changing accident. In each case, though, we have the same choice that every hero and every villain has faced. We can choose to be selfish, dwell on our sorrow, and let the darkness grow until it controls us; OR we can take our eyes off of ourselves and drive change in the world. When we seek recompense for others' infringement of our rights, we often infringe on the rights of others and end up doing much more harm than good. Even if we get the "satisfaction" of vengeance, the bitterness often remains. However, if we take what has happened to us, think about it and realize that it sucks to have it happen to us, we often want to keep others from feeling the same. It is then that we start living a life that's considerate of others, a life that makes a difference in the lives of other people; and really, if the world is made up of other people, we make a difference in the world.

It is our choices that define us, what we do today leads to who we are tomorrow... and even beyond. As the tagline the award-winning Gladiator says: "What we do in life echoes in eternity." Today, you can choose to be a hero, or you can let yourself become a villain.

Note: The origin stories may not be completely accurate, but they are to the best of my recollection... For accuracy, read the books or go check Wikipedia... Also, the art is copyright of it's respective owners.

We Need to Talk...

An old friend of mine, Breeyan Patterson*, recently posted the following:

"You can have great memories with someone. So why is it that the only thing you truly remember after a while is how much that person hurt you. How much that person turned you away from everything you thought you knew. How that person showed you your lack of strength, and when you got out of bed the next morning, how strong truly you are. How that person showed you that tears do leave stains, that words leave permanent marks, that 'I love you' means nothing when its said after they break your heart, that hate isn't the right word, that time isn't enough, that your love wasn't enough, that desolate is the new desperate. So much revealed in the moment where love ends and alone begins. I want to know why the end of a relationship always defines it. "

I read this and immediately identified with it. In my few experiences with relationships, the end always seems to overshadow the rest. When asked to think about the four or five relationships (serious and semi-serious) that I've had, it seems that I think about how they ended. I mean, when you really think about a past relationship, I'm sure you can remember the good times, but the first thoughts that come to mind are always the painful memories of heartbreak and separation. Why is that? Is it because the trauma of rejection leaves a nearly visible scar? Is it because we choose to remember the pain to avoid experiencing it again? Is it because remembering the good times might just cause us to hurt more? Maybe it's one of these reasons... maybe all of them... maybe something else. Whatever the case, and as sad as it is, it seems that "the end of a relationship always defines it."

I wish that things were different, but after a relationship ends, it's never the same. That crushing blow delivered at the end leaves hearts as shattered as mirrors. Also like mirrors, when hearts are put back together, they're nothing like they were before. The cracks and shatter marks will always remain. Sometimes, the shattered mirror works and you can see a clear reflection... but when the blow is so hard that it shatters the mirror to dust, there is no reflection to be seen. In the end, we can always hope to pick up the pieces and put them back together.

After the end, there is sometimes still hope for a friendship to bloom out of the ashes... but sometimes the ashes are only a sign of desolation where no life will again grow. If we burn bridges, adding fuel to the already destructive fire, we ensure the desolation; but with forgiveness and humanity, there is chance for new life. This new life will undoubtedly be different than what has burned down, but it is life nonetheless and it has the chance of bearing fruit. We can choose to scorch the earth to ensure death or to allow our actions to foster life once again.

Over time, the pains may fade, and the happy memories might again move to the forefront of our minds, but after the end, it's difficult to define a relationship by anything else but how it ended. Holding on to hope and seeking healing can lead us to peace, as long as our hope and healing are in the right place. If and when we place our hope and find our healing in the right Place, the pain of the end doesn't hurt so bad anymore. We can forgive and be forgiven; and even if bridges have been burned, we can be at peace. One day those bridges may be rebuilt, and our Source of hope, healing, and peace may help to build them stronger, albeit different, than before.

I write in riddles, rhetoric, and metaphor, but to put it plainly, Hope is what will carry us in dark and painful times. As the apostle Paul wrote, "Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us" (Romans 5:5 NKJV). We hope in Christ and He brings our healing and our peace; in fact, in the book of Philippians, we are promised that if we trust in Him and pray, "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (4:7). In darkness, there is always hope, and the Light is never far away. Despite the pain and difficulty we face after relationships or anything else, we can remember the words of the wise Reese Roper: "The bravest thing I have is hope." Hope does not disappoint...





*If you have the chance, I'd recommend Breeyan's writings. She has quite a way with words.

Testing, Testing

Aww, man...Why does it seem that whenever you make progress, there are things that come along to try and drag you back down.

These trials can push you to work harder; they can can leave you with a bleeding heart in your hand; they can turn you callous and bitter to the source of the trial; they do just about anything to a man. It's how a man responds to them that defines his growth and whether that progress continues.

In the face of trial, we have the choice in how it will affect us. I often make the mistake of thinking that I have to bow to the trial and let it define how it will affect me; or I resign and say "let God deal with it." Trials are designed for our growth, though! If a man lets the trial define the outcome, he is too often left broken and in need of healing before he can continue his path of growth. If a man resigns and claims to "leave it to the Lord," he only gives up and waits for the Lord's grace to pull him out of trials. However, in times of trials, a man must stand up! Granted, to stand, he needs the Lord's strength, and he must stand on the foundation of the Lord; however, he still must stand. God is very concerned with the development and growth of His children, and we grow through willfully choosing to overcome the trials that face us. There is no growth without challenge, and there is no challenge where a man is comfortable. It is when we face loss, attack, sorrow, loneliness, affliction, etc. that we are presented the opportunity to say to the Lord, "Okay, Lord, let's partner to overcome this. I trust you will carry me through and, in this, I will grow."

So, I suppose if I am currently and constantly faced with trials, then I must embrace them and depend on the Holy Spirit to give me the strength to grow through them. Without the Lord, I may become bitter, cold, and unloving; I may be broken beyond repair; I may push myself to the point of burnout; I will fail. When I depend on the Lord, I will grow in character, experience, faith, and intimacy with God.

Hold fast, be refined, and grow.

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."
1 Peter 1:6-7

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Romans 5:4-6

Out of the Wilderness

It's odd how the Lord works. So often, He answers prayers in such unexpected ways that you can't help but chuckle a bit.

I don't know how much specifics I want to go into, but it is night-and-day different between how I felt a few days ago and today (see the previous blog). Most of that has to do with a little bit of what I mentioned at the end of my last blog: seeking the Lord, having friends to encourage and pray for me, trusting God in times of spiritual dryness, etc...

Well, here's the deal. God has been revealing Himself to me and I've found myself coming out of the wilderness and into His presence. Through time in the Word and prayer, He's grown me a lot. At the end of II Corinthians, Paul mentions a lot about his weakness and how God's grace allows His strength to be perfected in our weakness. Also, in the next chapter he challenges the Corinthians to examine and test themselves while reminding of a key element of faith that they've forgotten: Jesus Christ dwells inside of them. The same message extends to us, and I took it to heart. While waiting in the wilderness/wasteland in faith that God would reveal Himself, I realized how weak I was... I felt physically weak, my heart was broken and I felt emotionally weak, and I was so thirsty and hungry for the Lord that my spirit, too, was weak. Upon realizing this, accepting it as truth, and embracing the fact that I cannot stand on my own, the Lord began a work to strengthen me with His joy. He is continuing to take me through a process in which the more I accept the fact that I cannot live without His Spirit, the more joy and strength He provides through His Spirit. Also, Paul's message has challenged me to continue to examine and test myself: am I living a Godly life? am I asking God to fill me with His Spirit? do I have the right motives in the things I do? etc... As I test and examine myself, it challenges me to pass the tests. There's one catch, though, to pass the test, I MUST remember the all-important fact that Christ dwells within me. It comes back to living a life dependent on the Spirit Of God!

In addition to His lessons from the Word, He's revealed a lot through the wise counsel of friends. In my times of trials, there have been many people that have reached out their hands to lift me to my feet. In those people, I see the love and compassion of Christ. Even if they are not physically close to me, they are compassionate enough to lift me up to the Lord and care for me the best way they can: praying for me. On top of that, the Lord has given certain people the exact right things to say at the exact right moments. Through the words of a friend, I was able to gain a good and healthy perspective regarding certain things in my personal life.

Aside from that, God has addressed my community needs by showing me that community and His Body extend far beyond geographical limitations. Even though I am separated by many miles from some of my closest friends, they are only a phone call (or e-mail, or facebook message) away. Many of them have continued to pray for me, check in on me, and talk to me even in far away cities. I am sure that the prayers that my brothers and sisters are raising for me have a lot to do with the drastic change that the Lord has accomplished in me. So, experiencing this "far away community" has caused me to want to be there for all of you whom God has put in my life. I want to be available to pray for all my friends and anyone else who faces any trials and troubles. I want to love and care for those who need it in the best way I can: lifting them up to the most powerful being in the Universe, the Lord!

As far as the many family problems I've been faced with, the Lord is also reaching them. My uncle has decided to fight his cirrhosis by quitting alcohol and continually seeking medical help. Please, please continue to pray that he stays committed to this. He's also started to go back to church and attempt to live for the Lord again.
My grandma has fully recovered from her surgery, and my aunt is still in stable consition with her cancer. Also, my parent's haven't fought much, and have become more loving since I've asked many of my "Far away community" friends to pray for them. The Lord is a miracle worker, eh?

So, in the past few days, the Lord has done a lot in my life. After spending time in the wilderness and awaiting the Lord's lessons, He has taught me well. I no longer feel far from God nor do I think/feel that I am alone. I want to thank the people in my life who have been praying for me and keeping in contact with me. There are a few in particular who have gone above and beyond in their encouragement, prayers, and wordsof wisdom; so Rob, Ricky, Oleson, Rachael, Mikey, and Tredger, thanks for the calls and messages and really showing you care. There are many others who I'm sure are praying for me, whether I know it or not, and I want to thank you all too. Remember, everyone... My last blog post was only about three days ago, and the Lord has done a great deal of work already.

To let you all know, I still deal with pain and stress a lot, and everything is not completely fixed, but the Lord has definitely begun the process. Now, though, I am more confident in His strength. Please keep praying. Also, if you have prayers, get a hold of me; I want to pray for you.

I encourage anyone reading this, seek the Lord. Those who know Him, remember that Christ dwells within you. Continue to examine and test yourselves. Also remember, we are weak, but His strength is perfected in our weakness and His grace is sufficient for us.
Those of you who don't know Him, I'd highly recommend meeting Him. As you can see, He changes lives.

I hope that anyone who reads this can be encouraged and I pray that the lessons I've learned and shared here can reach someone else who needs to hear them. I've been incredibly blessed, and hopefully the same blessings (and more) can be passed on to my readers, too.

The Struggles of Life

Oi... so it's a bit of a bummer that the first real post I put up has to be a bit negative, but as I'm starting life in the real world, I'm having a really hard time. There is so much turmoil and stress going on in life right now that I feel an extreme burden. I figured I'll write it all down to 1) help me process through it, 2) inform anyone willing to read the blog, and 3) to blow off a little steam.

I moved back to Redlands, CA from San Luis Obispo, CA on June 28, 2008. That was the beginning of my difficulty. I had to miss one of my best friends weddings so that I could move home. Tyler and Noelle Curtis' wedding would have been a great opportunity to start my new life of with a final round of close fellowship with really good friends. Instead, I had to move the contents of my life 250-something miles to a place where I have less friends than I can count on one hand. Coming to Redlands is both a blessing and a curse. On the blessing side, I have a lot of family here. I can now be there for them and they're here for me. However, the curse is that there is not a good spiritual support system or fellowship that I know of. There are also very few people of my age that I know. It makes it really hard to be back here, and quite lonely, too.

I've also been dealing with a break up that is particularly hard on me. I can't say much more, but needless to say, the effects are taking their toll on me.

Okay, so aside from the lonely place and difficult break up, there are also family issues. In the house, my parents fight quite a bit. Their yelling matches make the house a very stressful place to live. On several occasions, I've tried to intervene and mediate, but it usually gets the guns turned on me. So, I'm trying to figure out my place in that. I know I am to be praying for my family, but I also am trying to figure out if I have a role in dealing with them.
My brother and my sister are both in semi-serious relationships as well, so seeing them interact with their significant others increases the intensity of my loneliness.
My uncle also has cirrhosis of the liver caused by his alcoholism. There's quite a paradox, though... if he stops drinking, his body is too weak to handle the withdrawals, and he could die if he tries to quit. However, if he doesn't quit, he's not expected to live for more than a few months from now. As unfortunate as it is, some of the family has already had to begin talking about burial plans. The whole situation has been really hard on my grandmother, who he lives with, and I hate to see her so worried. To add to her worry, she had to get surgery recently for an obstruction in her throat.
On top of that, my aunt has cancer AND a teenage daughter with a fairly severe disability. We're quite worried that if the cancer takes a turn for the worse, there won't be anyone to care for my cousin. My parents have mentioned adopting her should it come to that, but looking at their current financial state, I don't know if they are capable of that.

I also just started my career. I am working to become an Executive at Target Corp. I am at a Distribution Center in Fontana, CA working as an Inbound TL. So far, the training has been somewhat intense. I'm a bit overwhelmed by all the information I've received, but I'm sure in time I'll get it. This week, the days have basically been 8 to 5, excluding Wednesday. Wednesday I did my "Store Experience" at 3 AM at the Ontario, CA store. I pulled boxes from the trailer in the wee hours of the morning and stocked shelves before Target opened. It was quite intense and gave me an appreciation for the people who do it everyday. In the coming weeks, I'll be working Saturday, Sunday, and Monday from 6 am to 6 pm. I'll finish my training in September.

So as you can see, life is a bit difficult right now. The good thing is this, though: The Lord is still with me. I've been having to trust Him a lot as I've made the transition from the carefree, friend-full San Luis Obispo lifestyle to the stressful, lonely wilderness of Redlands. As of now, though, I really do feel as though I'm in a wilderness. I know the Lord sustains me, but I still hunger and thirst for Him. I know that He is present, but I cannot see Him. I know that he upholds me, but I cannot feel His touch. I know He is here, but I do not know where. It's in this time that I trust His promises and I pray for faith to believe that He is doing all these things and more. I know, too, that when we are in a wilderness, it is often a time of learning. The Lord desires to teach me something, so I wait on Him and trust that His lesson will come. Though the "feeling" aspect is not so much present in my walk right now, He has been growing the "faith" aspect. He is teaching me to trust His truths rather than how I feel. He is making me depend on Him and His life-giving Spirit. He's worked through His word and my prayers, but most recently, He has worked through old friends. In these difficult times, I've been contacted by several brothers and sisters in the Lord. Each of them has helped me talk through my pain and struggles and have promised to pray for me. In them, I really can see the compassion and love of Christ. They exemplify the unity so often mentioned in the Scripture. So for all of you who have helped me in this time (Rob, Ricky, and Rachael especially), thank you.
So, though times are difficult and stressful, God will carry me through, and someday soon, I will be able to again taste and see that the Lord is good. He is faithful.

If you are reading this, please pray for me. I'd also love to talk to any of you if you want to call or e-mail me. Thanks!

This is my Blog.

School is ending and I suppose I'm starting a new phase in life. I'm entering the real world, and to chronicle my adventures and random ponderings, I've decided to begin blogging. Feel free to check back, but for now there is only this short post signifying the end of college and the beginning of real life.